


all that i know

by aanathemaa



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Mild Language, Past Drug Addiction, Self-Esteem Issues, Texting, a loot at one of TK's dark moments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:55:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24042433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aanathemaa/pseuds/aanathemaa
Summary: He didn't want that numbness to ever come back, especially now that he knew what it felt like to be with Carlos.
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Comments: 10
Kudos: 143





	all that i know

**Author's Note:**

> bold is Carlos  
> italic is TK  
> and the puddle of emotions is me

(19:47) **you need to stop walking away, tk**

(19:48) **you asked for my opinion and i wanted to be honest with you**

(19:48) **it comes from a good place, i promise you**

_What was that saying? Once an addict, always an addict?_

TK chuckled, locking his phone and using the sleeves of his oversized hoodie to dry off his cheeks. And the fucked up thing? There were still times when he'd end up thinking of oxies after a particularly ugly fight with Carlos. It rarely happened, mostly because he and Carlos rarely fought, and when they did, it was mostly TK getting too worked up over a stupid thing or a trigger, but _fuck_ did he feel disgusting each and every time he felt like chasing a high.

**Missed Call: Carlos ♡**

Carlos was so right and he didn't even know it. It really pissed TK off. Was this what his life would always be like? Thiniking of pills whenever shit didn't go his way? He didn't want to be reminded that he'd been an addict and was an addict every time something went wrong. 

And TK was fucking terrified of Carlos finding out that he still felt like this, that it didn't just end with his dad's cancer, but right now, two hours after their fight, it also didn't feel right to let him think that he was as stable as insisted he was.

He's kept this a secret for so long it was starting to rot inside him and he was so sick of it.

(20:14) **you don't have to go anymore, i just thought it'd be good for you**

But then again it didn't matter, nothing did, he was always going to be a mess and maybe Carlos should have listened to him in the beginning. 

**Missed Call: Carlos ♡**

He was gonna get sick of this eventually, TK just knew. Between the drama and the tantrums, he was gonna realize TK is just a child inside an adult's body.

Maybe he'd grown too comfortable with Carlos, thinking he could just be himself and everything would be fine, but right now he wasn't someone he liked very much and he doubted Carlos could put up with it for much longer either. 

(20:22) **where did you go?**

TK closed his eyes, but tears were still running through his eyelashes. He groaned, rubbing his eyes again.

(20:23) **let me pick you up**

Maybe what happened with Alex is what he deserved after putting so many people through his shit. He could blame it on his absent dad or his busy mom, but there were worse situations and not everyone ended up popping pills like he did. Maybe it was the universe getting back at him. Maybe Alex wasn't the only one, maybe Carlos would leave him too one day. He'll think that things are going well, and maybe he'll even hope for grand gestures and big swings again, and then bam, karma will be like _fuck you TK._

(20:32) **you know that i love you**

He knew Carlos wasn't lying, he'd never lie, but Carlos also didn't know better, and TK was so fucking ashamed.

(20:33) **i want you here but i'll stop if you need space**

(20:33) **i just wanna know you're safe, tk**

He didn't want that numbness to ever come back, especially now that he knew what it felt like to be with Carlos, what it felt like to be _loved_. Most of the time all he wanted was to feel that warmth and that comfort of just being held by him, his strong arms around him like a safety blanket. It just fucking sucked that he didn't think he deserved any of it.

(20:41) _im safe. and im sorry_

(20:42) _you were right_

(20:42) _i think ill need to see my therapist_

(20:42) _for the rest of my life_

TK ran a hand over his face and sighed. Carlos deserved the truth, no matter how fucked up it was.

(20:43) **that's not what i said tk**

(20:43) **come home so i can explain**

**Missed Call: Carlos ♡**

(20:45) _i cant say this while looking_

(20:45) _you in the eyes_

(20:46) _and i cant even spell it out right now_

(20:46) _so ill just say it here_

(20:49) _sometimes when it gets dark in my head i still think of getting high_

(20:50) _i havent done anything since alex i swear_

(20:50) _but sometimes i cnt stop the fucking thought of it carlos_

(20:50) _and it makes m feel so weak and disgustnig_

(20:51) _and not worth your patiance r ur time_

(20:52) _i got so mad at u because i didnt want to adimt im weak_

(20:52) _and ill need hlp w this for the rest of my life_

TK couldn't even see the screen anymore so he just hoped that it made sense. He locked his phone and tried to stop his hands from shaking.

(20:54) **sweetheart, that's normal... it's part of the recovery process**

(20:54) **you thought about it but you didn't do it**

(20:54) **and that takes strength and you should be proud of that**

God, why was he so fucking sweet all the time? TK just wanted to kiss him forever.

(20:55) **it's because you're getting help**

(20:55) **getting help is brave tk**

(20:56) **i wish you could see you the way i see you**

(20:56) **i wish you'd trust yourself like i trust you**

(20:57) **you knew you wouldn't do it and i get it, it pissed you off that you even thought about it, but you're human tk**

(20:57) **i'm human too. and sometimes it sucks**

(20:57) **but i love you and i'm always here for you. you have to know that by now**

Any attempt to stop crying was doomed by now and TK couldn't wait anymore. Couldn't even fucking breathe.

(21:01) _im gonna b home soon_

(21:01) **please, i miss you**

(21:02) _i love you so much_

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what is this but hope you enjoyed it! :)
> 
> Comments are always appreciated! <3


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